jessye (be_my_hero) wrote,

I just had a wave of anxiousness wash over me out of nowhere.

This summer's been a little bit crazy as far as emotions go.
Everything is very multisided right now. All of the relationship changes, both those concerning myself and not.
Europe is getting closer and closer, and as I get more and more excited I'm starting to get somewhat nervous about it.

The biggest thing though, is that I'm full of doubt, which is the absolute last thing I need. It's mostly that I keep doubting my interest in film, and whether I've got any kind of talent for it. I'm really believing right now that I don't. I don't know if it's because I'm overly comparing myself to others, because I haven't done as much as I would have liked to by now, because I'm not as inspired as others. I haven't taken, as far as I'm concerned, any good photographs in months, and while part of me thinks it might be that there's something wrong with my light meter, another part of me thinks that that's just an excuse.

It's almost to the point that I feel like if I don't figure it out soon the passion will be scared and doubted right out of me.

I feel really mixed up. I always worry that Emerson isn't the right place for me, but not because I don't enjoy it. I think I worry because it costs so much goddam money to go there because it's a great school. Meanwhile I feel like no matter how many times I legitimize why it's a good place for me to be (which I logically believe it is), I can't get past the idea that it's really the experience that matters. Meaning both experiences on set, etc. and what your experience is at school. I didn't have a bad first year, but it certainly wasn't as good as I tell acquaintences it was when I'm making small talk.

I've been feeling somewhat insecure the entire summer. I feel like there's a person that I want to be, things I want to do and ways in which I want to act, but I just never do. I don't know if I'm holding myself back, or I'm unsure that I really want these things, or if they're fleeting, or really what they even are. It's less specific things and more general ideas.

I guess what I'm getting at is that there's really been a lot to deal with over the last few months, and I may have been avoiding just plain thinking about myself. I've been thinking about other things so much, that I've put what's going on with me personally on the back burner. I get caught up in temporary situations very easily- but I don't think I usually lose track of the big picture as much as I feel like I have recently.

After some more thought, I pretty much just despise most everything about myself at the given moment. The way I act, think, look, feel. What people already think of me, the way I let myself be so shallow sometimes, how mean I am to my mom, how lazy I can be, the way I over analyze everything, the way I was in the past, the things I thrive on. I really would rather not be myself just now.
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