jessye (be_my_hero) wrote,

I got the hostess job at the Brewery- that's a reasonably sized relief.

I saw Becca yesterday and that it was great. It's so good to be around people that you just don't have to worry about ANYTHING with.

Tyler and I won the best costume award tonight at a party. It was a candycane that was so big I thought it was a lawn ornament.

My dad and I have started to do a little more planning for this promotional video. It's kinda sketchy though...he doesn't really seem to know what he wants exactly. We'll work it out though, I have faith. Tomorrow night I'll be shooting the Smith Commencement crowds...though it's supposed to be cold/rainy...we'll see how that goes. I hope it's not awkward and weird.

Things with my mom are really terrible.
I think she thinks that I have lost respect for her and can't stand her, which is not the case. It's just really difficult for me to be around her right now. It's too much negativity. Negativity both from what's going on within our household, outside factors, and how I'm feeling about what's going on.

I don't know what to do. It's really hard to be supportive when you're so torn and upset. And she knows that everything's not exactly okay between she and I right now. It's not been put into words so much on my part, but today when I saw her she said something about a hug and I turned her down, and she more or less accepted it and moved on, which says that she understands at least somewhat where I am right now. It's really painful though. I want to be there for her, I really do, but at the same time I don't really know if I can. Literally, don't know if I'm capable of swallowing enough of my bitterness to really be there for her through this. And it hurts too. If we move out, and she severs her ties with Michael, that's going to be really hard for me emotionally. He's been a part of my life since I was born, and a much bigger part since my parents got divorced.

I don't know exactly what I'm feeling, so it's really hard to cope with. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm disappointed. I don't know who I can talk to about it either. I want to talk to my dad about it, but that's out of the question- I have no idea what's actually going to happen at this point, and I don't think that she really wants people knowing about it. There are so few people that really understand what a battle this has been for me. It's been going on for so long, and been so complicated and involved, and covered so many emotions.

I don't want to be here. Being in this house is hard now, too. Being around them is impossible, I can't do it right now. I talked a little with Becca about it, and that was good. She suggested that I do what I need to do as far as how much I'm around them, and I think she's right. For one of the first times I feel like I have the right to be somewhat selfish about that. So many times I've sacrificed how much I could handle because I was worried about ruining my relationship with my mom, or because I simply felt sorry for her and couldn't stand the idea of me adding to what she was going through. I still can't stand the idea of that, but I just really don't know what to do. The second I start thinking about it I feel like breaking down because I feel so mixed up about it on every level.

I am worried about my mom and I though. I love her, and I need for her to remember that even if I can't show her for a while.
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