jessye (be_my_hero) wrote,

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Irony: I'll be lighting candles at Dad's this year...

Finals are all done. The exciting thing about college winter break is that there isn't any work to be done.

I'm home. It's good to be back, I'm so ready for almost a month of Northamptony goodness.
Before we left my dad and I went to the Boston Scence Museum to see Body Worlds. Wicked freaking cool. If you like anatomy or biology, you should probably go and see it. 21$ with a student ID. Do it. It ends in January.

I was shocked to see snow tonight when I came out of my Dad's. Snowish-stuff anyway. Yay!

I freaking love my dad. He's so funny when he gets all excited about things. I resent some of the rather more embarrassing things he does, but so be it.

Right now I'm at my mom's. We were supposed to do the whole hannukkah thing tonight, latkes and menorah and dreidle and stuff, but she had a really bad migrane and had to go to the hospital to get a shot, so we're going to do it tomorrow. That sucks, I hope she feels better- I want to spend time with her.

I think it must have put Michael into a bad mood, he couldn't possibly have been any less welcoming to me when I got home. I understand that she's sick, I guess I was just expecting something else. Doug is staying with us for a few days to help with Iris, so he was here. They'd all just gotten home from the hospital before I got here.

I didn't expect anyone to come to the car to greet me or anything, but I was thrown off when nobody even came downstairs to say hello to me until I came in the second time with the other suitcase and Doug came upstairs (he's sleeping downstairs) and offered to help me. Then I went upstairs to say hi to my mom and I passed Michael on the way. I said hello and he almost just brushed right by me, so I tried to initiate a little more interaction and asked him how he was, and how my mom was doing, and gave him a hug. All he said was "she wants to see you" as he walked away from me. My mom was sorta delirious from the medication, but gave me a big hug, told me she'd been looking forward to it all week and said when she was feeling better she'd be down. When I went back downstairs I remembered that I wanted to show Michael the postcard book, and so I ran and got it to show him. He didn't give a shit. Then Doug started asking about the menorah, which was electric. When upstairs I asked my mom about it, because I knew Michael wasn't cool with fire since his house burned, and she said that she was just using the electric one because Michael had bought it for her just yesterday and that we could light a real one tomorrow. When I told them that I was excited to light a real menorah, because I'd been stuck with the electric one at school, Michael responded with "No real candles in this house. No flames" in a tone that was possibly the most dismissive thing I'd ever heard. I felt like a six year-old. I can understand why. I'm not a heartless bitch. It does suck though. Hannukkah isn't hannukkah without candles.

I feel extremely unwelcome in my house right now. I feel like it's Michael's house, and that I'm an unwanted guest. That scares me. I worked so hard to get past this feeling, and I thought I had. I've worked so hard to get along with Michael, and I thought we were finally on a much better plane than ever, and for a long time too.
I haven't felt this way in months. It feels awful. It's a horrible way to feel to begin with, especailly after having battled with it for so long. But feeling this way the first night you're home for winter break makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like I might as well not be here.

I'm trying to be optimistic. Maybe I'll light them at dad's and play dreidle with friends. I mean we can still do everything else, but maybe it won't be as fun as I'd anticipated. I was looking forward to seeing him. That's new. That's a huge accomplishment. I've been thinking constantly what to get him for hannukkah, something he really likes. I've been thinking about celebrating with BOTH of them, not just blocking him out and thinking of my mom.

I'm extremely upset about all of this. Did all of the progress go down the drain? Did he forget when I went to school? I'm sure I'm overreacting, but it really does upset hurts a whole fucking lot to want to go back to school because you'll feel more at home there than your own house.
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