Emotions have been running high, and mostly in a negative way.
I spoke to my mom, really talked with her, today for the first time in weeks. It was hard. We're both fighting very adamantly for our own points of view. She's hurting. I'm hurting. She's regretting. I'm regretting. She's sad. I'm angry. It's a vicious circle, but we both want to come out of it and for things to be better. I feel though, that I'm still not satisfied after everything I've gone through. I want to be there for her so badly. She's in so much pain, but I don't feel as though apologies are enough- but there's no way to achieve the "revenge" I guess I want, because I don't want revenge so much as recognition.
Tomorrow I'm going to go upto the house. It'll be the first time I've talked to Michael in about three weeks. And I'll be going up there to pack up my room. I have no idea what I'll say to him, how I'll feel, how he'll respond. It's really scary. I've been so disconnected, all I have to go on is what my mom has told me. I just can't know until I confront him, and since "he wants all of our stuff out of there by the 11th", that's going to be tomorrow.
I cannot believe the shit I'm going through.
I'm going to pick out and up paint tomorrow so that I don't have to live in that hideous room. That house is soaked in bad memories. I need to make it as different as I can. My mom was doing the whole "let's fill it up with good new memories" thing. It's so hard to move past it all though- I just don't think she gets it.
Other things have been going on too.
I've been on-set as first AD for the last two weeks for an independent feature film, and that's been pretty awesome. Stressful, but the kind of stress that stays on set, and makes you better at your job. Plus, compared to the emotional stress I've had as of late, it's pie.
It amazes me how close you can get to people just by spending time with them. Or even how much you appreciate them, whether negatively or positively. It's not even the type of interaction sometimes as much as the volume of time.
I want to give blood soon. I need more iron.
I'm not excited about my job at the Brewery, but more importantly they were supposed to call me 3 days ago to set up training. Nope.
I really just want this all to be over with and move on.
It's so fucking trying.
I miss my everyone. Even the people I see every day. I hate being alone. Even for five minutes I hate it.
I still feel needy.