I just can't stay on top of it. No amount of positive thinking can keep me above it. Ignoring it only leads to an inability to focus on anything but ignoring it.
I straight up feel like a loser. All I want to do is cry, but I'm afraid that someone will come to my room. I can always lie. Tell them I have REALLY bad cramps. That's probably why I'm feeling this way in the first place, but that logic doesn't help me to feel any better about it.
I hate it because I know that I don't suck. I know that I like to have fun. I know that I want to go out and have a good time. I know that I'm not afraid to, and that I would like it.
I don't even know how to analyze this stupid feeling. Maybe it's that I know I have a ton of work to do. Maybe it's that I can't stand settling for that. I mean, the only reason these people like St. Patrick's Day is because it means getting shitfaced. Mind you I don't know a thing about it either, and in light of that don't particularly care about it.
But I hate the idea of going out, being one of those stupid girls. I hate those girls. I don't even want to associate with them. The only reason they are invited to the party is because they are girls. Now I'm not a feminist, but come on- don't you feel like an idiot getting all dressed up so that kids you don't know can judge you and you can get some alcohol? I just don't want to be a part of that. It's not the drinking. It's that idea. I hate that.
On top of it I'm SO angry that I can't stay above this. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just enjoy being here like I want so badly to? It's the people. It's the fucking people and I need to admit it. I need to openly say that I feel almost no connection to almost everyone I'm in close, continual contact with, and that contact is something that I really, really need. I need it. I feel lonely and worthless without it. And that is GODAWFUL. I shouldn't need it. Is my self-esteem really that low? I didn't think I had so little respect for myself. I don't think that I do. Maybe I do though. Why else could I possibly be feeling this way, over and over and over.
Fuck. I can't believe this. FUCK. God get me out of this feeling. I can't tolerate feeling this way so much.
And I LIE TO PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.
How are you?
Oh, Emerson's great! I love it!
I want that to be true SO BADLY. But it isn't. I like my classes. I like working on films. But otherwise I'm having an AWFUL time. A TERRIBLE time, because I'm not happy. I don't laugh here. I don't smile and mean it, save a few times. I fake it. Or I settle for it without realizing that it's really not that good, and I can't do it anymore.
I invested so much in this and it scares me to think that I'm not having a good time. Do I even like my classes that much? Or is it just that I know it's one of the best film schools in the country? I worry that I'm wasting my parent's money. I don't know if I should talk to anyone about it because I don't have it straightened out in my head and I don't want anyone to jump to conclusions. Because I don't think that I really hate it all that much- it's just that I feel like I'm settling all the time.
It's hard for all freshmen, right? Or am I just too picky?
I really need a good sob. I need to sob and get all of this out. But I can't explain myself. If people find that I decided not to go, and that instead I stayed in a cried, there's no way that they won't jump to conclusions about one thing or another and that makes me even MORE upset.
I don't want to go home, I just don't want to feel this way.
God and there's no way to cry without SOMEONE finding out about it because there's no way to wash your face in your room. And I don't want to explain myself to these people because a) I know they don't care, b) there's no way to explain it, c) I'm sick of lying, and d) it's just fucking awkward.
FUCK. I've never felt so pathetic in my life.