I thought it was going to help, to release. But it really only made me feel more pathetic and extremely lonely.
Still, I just took a longer shower than I have here before.
This fucking sucks. I hate being unhappy.
It's so hard to be optimistic when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and feel sorry for yourself when you know that you can't help yourself feel better, and even more, can't find anyone to talk to to help you feel better. There's not a single person I feel like I could talk to here, obviously not about this...but about anything below surface level.
I just want to fucking cry, and not have to hide about it. But that's so awkward, I absolutely cannot do it. I've only broken down here once, and that was the horrible day that I lost my keys down the elevator shaft- and even with everyone knowing what was going on, it was awkward and awful.
I want to just sleep it off- but last time I tried to sleep off feeling shitty it just came right back the next day and didn't wear off for the rest of the week.
My mom was convinced last week when I talked to her about it that I was depressed and wanted me to see the counselor here, just to check. But I'm entirely sure that's unnecessary. I just have to tough it out...
...which at the moment I feel entirely unprepared to do.
I need a good conversation, a better cry, and a motherfucking hug.